Friday Night Pints: Super Bowl Edition
Your Super Bowl LIX Drinking Game or How I Learned to Love Football Whilst Getting Blackout Drunk
This weekend is the Super Bowl, or the Big Game as everyone calls it for some reason. Is it for liability? Do we, as Americans, not have the right to say or print “Super Bowl?” Did LeBron copywrite it with Taco Tuesday? I would like a definitive answer on this so I’ll ask Google’s woefully inept AI, Gemini …
Hey Gemini, you looking fly as hell, do we have to call the Super Bowl the Big Game?
No, you don't have to call the Super Bowl the Big Game.
While "Big Game" is sometimes used, especially in advertising or situations where there might be trademark concerns about using "Super Bowl," the vast majority of people simply call it the Super Bowl. It's the official name of the event, and it's the name most commonly used in conversation, news reports, and general references to the game.
So, feel free to stick with "Super Bowl" – it's perfectly fine!
There you have it! This second Trump administration is doing it all - first with owning the Gaza Strip and now we can say Super Bowl again. It truly is the best time to be alive. Hopefully, you’re catching up on the column before heading out to your Super Bowl party because this Super Bowl drinking game is bigger and better than Harrison Ford’s giant red Hulk ass. This year’s game includes Kendrick Lamar-specific situations, what to do if (really, when) Jason Kelce or Taylor Swift appears on screen, and how to handle a certain tush grab. If you don’t know, or care, about football, then this is even better for you because while everyone else is worried about the score, you’re running up the tally on that cooler of hard seltzers. As the great John Arnold once said, hold onto your butts, because this game is not for the weak of mind, liver, or spirit.
Nick Sirianni or Chris Jones cry during the National Anthem: Finish your drink.
Patrick Mahomes looks like he’s going to rip through the whole Eagles squad during the National Anthem: Buy your friend who’s cheering on the Eagles a beer and maybe say a prayer for them.
Jon Baptist plays the anthem without singing: Shots all around.
The coin toss is heads: drink.
The coin toss is tails: drink.
Your friends hosting the party ask for cash for the squares game: Make them drink the rest of your drink and stare at them in the eyes as they drink it.
Opening kickoff returned for a touchdown: Yell out “Desmond Howard, bitches!” and drink 6 times
Every time the Eagles run a “Tush Push:” Drink and say out loud “That’s a dirty little tushy,” only if you’re an Eagles fan. You deserve some shame for this laughably stupid play.
Every time somebody else on the Chiefs runs a QB Sneak that isn’t Patrick Mahomes: Say out loud “Joe Montana ran his own sneaks,” and then drink if you’re a Chiefs fan because he did and Joe Montana was the greatest.
If the 1st Quarter or Halftime score is 0-0 make everyone finish their drink. If the game finishes tied in zeroes, you all have to drink whatever’s left in the house.
When Saquon Barkley runs for a score over 15 yards, text your Giant’s friend “Did you see that?” Then have a drink. Saquon is awesome and the Giants suck.
Anytime they show Jason Kelce, take off your shirt, point at a random spot on the wall, and slam an entire beer.
Anytime they show Taylor Swift, grab the nearest person and sing Ours to them, then take a drink.
Whenever a movie trailer plays, say “That looks like a giant pile of (Thing, T-Rex, Red Hulk) shit!” and take a drink.
Whenever any pharmaceutical commercial plays sing “Skyrizi is for meeee, ohh ohh ohh ohh,” and take a drink. Or, for bonus points, hold up any pill bottle and say “I gots mine!” then, if it’s safe, take one of the pills and smack your lips.
Anytime a legal gambling commercial plays, bet your friends that they can’t finish their drinks, then take a drink.
Anytime an insurance commercial plays, go back to the fridge and grab an extra drink then say out loud “Just in case shit happens.”
If Kendrick Lamar sings Not Like Us, you all must sing the “A-Minor” part and drink. If somebody at the party doesn’t know the “A-Minor” part, they have to finish their drink, then get you a fresh one.
If they show Drake in the audience, everyone does shots.
If Kendrick Lamar does not sing Not Like Us, then say “A-Minor … wussy” out loud and do a shot. (That joke is hilarious but be smart. If Kendrick Lamar or anybody named Lamar, or Kendrick, is at your party, then do not do that joke. You don’t want that beef.)
If Kendrick Lamar does the song from Black Panther, then give a Wakanda Forever salute and do a shot with a friend.
If Kendrick Lamar refuses to leave the stage and Fox just lets him do a full concert, switch to N/A for the rest of the Kendrick show, then back to regular beer for the game.
If Kendrick Lamar gets red Gatorade dumped on him, your boy wins big. Have a drink.
If the 3rd Quarter kickoff is run back for a touchdown, once again yell out “Desmond Howard, bitches,” and drink 6 times.
Take a break in the 3rd Quarter and have an N/A or some water. It’s the Super Bowl, not your best friend’s kid’s first birthday party for God’s sake.
4th Quarter. If Kansas City is ever behind, take a drink then pat your Chief’s fan friend on the shoulder and say “You’ll get them next year.”
If the Eagles are ever behind, go to your Eagle’s fan friend and say “Boy, that Senator Jon Fetterman is a real ass,” then do a shot with them.
If Jalen Hurts throws a pick to finish the game, make your Eagle’s fan friend finish your drink, then offer to get them another.
If Patrick Mahomes drives down the field to win the game, calmly pack your stuff up and leave without saying anything.
If Travis Kelce somehow proposes to Taylor Swift, even though she will be about 500 feet up in the luxury box, finish your drink, then your partners, and re-propose to her. That will make for quite a memorable evening.
That should get you through the game and maybe into the hospital. Remember to have fun, but be safe this Super Bowl Sunday, because you never know, it could be the last one. Who knows what President Elon is going to take out next?